- sarcasm
- commiserating “all of these people are idiots” glances at each other
- pastries
- lounging around with feet on the desk
- shit talking
- ass kicking
- buckets of homoerotic subtext
- strong, independent female characters
ALSO DI Lestrade and DI Carlisle’s division:
- Squabbling over who gets to drive every damn time they get in the car
- Coming to blows over the last donut
- Having their sidearms and badges confiscated for being loose-cannon coppers
- Grudging respect toward their no-nonsense female DCI
- Long bubble baths at the end of a tough day, sometimes separately but mostly together
#WE COULD WRITE A TELEPLAY AND SUBMIT IT TO THE BBC
#i would be totally useless to the process #unless french and/or extensive knowledge of premodern european and middle eastern history somehow was useful
RIGHT THEN. We can work around those constraints.
Episode One: Lestrade and Carlisle go undercover in a French Algerian antiques-smuggling ring. They do horrible accents as they try to fit in with their intended marks. Carlisle coldcocks Lestrade at one point because Lestrade snatches a chocolate-filled croissant from his hand. Lestrade retaliates by seducing the sexy French Algerian antiques dealer that Carlisle’s been working his magic on. The no-nonsense DCI rips them a new one for their pointless bickering. Plot point, plot point, plot point, they blow the smuggling ring wide open, then knock back a pint at the local pub and patch up their friendship.
End credits roll over a scene of Lestrade and Carlisle relaxing together in a bubble bath.
/FIN
oh my god, it totally is.
EPISODE 12: Zachary Quinto plays a visiting french canadian zoologist that both detectives want to bang. And also he wants to steal priceless, rare bats from the London Zoo. They’re pissed because this is really, really not their division. They stake out with donuts, witty banter, witty banter, but when it comes to that last donut all bets are off because that bitch is jelly filled. Their squabbling escalates and is about to be a fist fight when shit goes down and a zoo security guard gets shot and they are temporarily foiled. No-Nonsense DCI gives a lecture and throws their badges at them. They decide on a more direct approach and threesome the absolute hell out of the zoologist, plot, plot, zoologist steals the bats anyway and is half way to the airport when he’s ambushed. Unnecessarily invasive pat down and arrest his ass. BAM! Hot tubs have bubbles too.
WE COULD MAP OUT AN ENTIRE SEASON. And each episode gets increasingly outside of their division, until they’re solving penguin crimes in Antarctica. More potential guest stars: John Simm (in a special Life on Mars crossover episode), Jerry Orbach (idgaf, from beyond the grave), Gerard Depardieu, and Ludacris. At the end of each episode, Carlisle and Lestrade relax together in a different body of water while the credits roll: hot springs, Turkish baths, bubbling brook, kiddie pool …
at the end they retire and buy a springside house.
Yes. I would watch the hell out of this show. Hell, I would write the hell out of this show.
I want this design on a t-shirt. I’d wear the shit out of that.
